Verbal hemorrhage of not so great importance

And time goes. On and on. Where to? If anything. What to do? Hesitate. What if... No, I couldn't. But what's the point? I'm missing out. I'm getting older by the minute. Depowered. Fucking fucking fucking ME. Why can't I? Why couldn't I just fight? Why can't I? I want to. But what's the point... Hatehatehatehate. There has to be a way out. There just has to. I can't TAKE this. No meaning, no point. No purpose. Nor intention. Just... Nothingness. Clusters of meaningless things and thoughts and days. Losing all sight and vision. I can't see further anymore. Just the wall of today and a thick mess of tomorrows just like this one was yesterday. And the day before that. Sliding down that path again. So familiar and so detested. Where all trees look the same and no curves exist. That straight narrow road of nothing that slowly eats me, from the inside and outwards. Blackblackblack, I would go if I didn't have that despicable human tendency to hold on and see what's behind the next corner. Maybe... just maybe there could be something there, not reachable yet, but if I could take a couple of steps more, be a little stronger just for a while... Then maybe something is waiting. Just around the corner... Nah. I guess I kind of lost hopes for that. I guess there's just another road. Just like this.
I wish I wasn't in such awe over this crappy existence. Then it would be easy.
Somewhere, I think I'm trying to heal. Trying to mend the broken parts and scotchtape them together. Trying to figure out the purpose of me being here. Trying to make amends with my black soul and guide myself to the strenght I know I have.
But it's so fucking hard. When everythings colourless like a rainy day. I wish I could let myself come to a conclusion at least. To go or stay. Heal or give up. But I'm too attached to let go, and too tired to walk anymore.
Here we go again.